Oh boy, where do I even start. This is my blog, of my struggles, my highs, my lows, my failures, and my achievements, and of course when things in my life are going well I tend to blog a ton about fashion. Which I have a huge passion for as if you followed you would know.
Ten days, seems like nothing, one week, and two days, that's it; but in this past week and two days everything has changed. Everything has changed due to my own careless, reckless, impulsive actions. In the moments before I damaged my 10 month relationship to the best, most deserving guy in the world, I did not stop and think what pain I would cause my boyfriend, more importantly my best friend, and the greatest most selfless man I know. Being under the influence, affects the decision I made but I am not a coward and will take responsibility for my actions, being drunk is not an excuse. I have never cheated before, and let me tell you its not worth it. I hurt the most wonderful man in the world in the worst way, destroying his trust, and what we had created together. He amazes me with still having hope for us maybe one day in the future not now not in a month..maybe not even six months but hope is all that is needed. Ive learned that hope is what moves all of us along.. without it..what is there to look forward to or believe in? Not only did cheating bring upon me the deepest thoughts and feelings of self-loathing, but it left me feeling used, worthless, and disposable. I am writing this so hopefully someone will read this and they will think twice before being rash and impulsive. Do not let someone sweet talk you into something you do not actually want. It may seem good in the moment but the second its over the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, self hate , and many more set in. If I could take it back I would in a second, without one hesitation. Why someone may ask would I be so naive and in lack of a better word ignorant to not consider all I would lose, and all I have worked for, for the past ten months, and to be honest there is no real way for me to make sense of my actions, except for some sort of release. I have felt sadden, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious and many more feelings, that still do not excuse me for what I did, but it partially makes sense. Maybe I saw a glimpse of the old me I have worked so hard to forget and change for the better, and just made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, some just worse than others. I consider this a set back in my journey in my life, but I am not going to let this hold me back from new opportunities, and other adventures and the happiness that I know one day I will eventually feel and have. I have punished myself enough the past week that I do not know I can punish myself anymore. Its a day by day thing, but each day the sun seems to shine just a little bit brighter, and the stars seem to have just a little more glimmer.
I just wanted to write this post to explain to everyone who might not understand why someone may ruin a good thing, and also to praise the man that was my boyfriend. He has still stuck by my side, I'm sure it has not been easy, I am sure I have hurt him much more deeply than he leads on, but he is still there for me as a friend, and if that is all he can be to me right now that is what I will take. I have lost my rights to him, when I broke our trust. I was just lucky enough to have such a stand up gentleman that still cares about me even through all the pain i have caused him. He deserves the world, and nothing better than the absolute best. He is the hardest worker, the kindest man, the best care-taker "father" to his puppy Bentley, and one of the best men out their left in the world. I really truly wish him the absolute best and I hope he finds a girl who will treat him with the utmost respect and not dishonor him in the way I have.
xoxo,
Erin
(The picture in this post is not mine it is found on we heart it.com)
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