love

Its been around one month since I completly ruined my relationship with who I feel in my heart is the one I am truly to be with.. but like everyone says if its meant to be it will be..even if this is true.. doesnt that mean you need to work on it together? I am trying to give him his space and respect him since he has been so respectful to me even with everything I have put him through. I know it may not work out.. but I would rather be with noone than be with anyone else. I made a mistake A HUGE mistake.. that does not even get the respect of adding in my unstability at the time, but it wasnt me, never has been, never will be ever again. It meant nothing, which hurt me deeply at first since I was used to the love and deep adoration I was given all the time by my ex, but I now realize I had to go through that hurt to be able to be forgiven, to be able to forgive myself, and to be able to grow in my own personal ways.. and help understand myself more. I deserve everything that he says to me and he deserves the space and time to date other people and hopefully learn to forgive me.. everyone makes mistakes... im not asking for him to be back with me now, or soon, just some hope.. and right now it doesnt sound like he has any.. and I fully understand where he is coming from. It is just so hard to stop crying everynight, or check my phone hoping its him.. missing the texts i took for granted the good morning & the goodnight texts, the i love yous. everything, I just wish he knew how much i truly love him & need him. everyday just gets worse..I miss his laugh, smile, his caring attitude and hard work ethic. i miss his smell, his voice, his everything. i miss him. and its not my choice about what happens.. i know he doesnt believe me and i dont get how to prove that i wont do it again until he lets me have another chance. im so tired, but cant sleep, so exhausted but cant stop thinking. i love him i love him i love him. and thats all i can say