Friday, May 11. 2012

Oh boy, where do I even start. This is my blog, of my struggles, my highs, my lows, my failures, and my achievements, and of course when things in my life are going well I tend to blog a ton about fashion. Which I have a huge passion for as if you followed you would know.

Ten days, seems like nothing, one week, and two days, that's it; but in this past week and two days everything has changed. Everything has changed due to my own careless, reckless, impulsive actions. In the moments before I damaged my 10 month relationship to the best, most deserving guy in the world, I did not stop and think what pain I would cause my boyfriend, more importantly my best friend, and the greatest most selfless man I know. Being under the influence, affects the decision I made but I am not a coward and will take responsibility for my actions, being drunk is not an excuse. I have never cheated before, and let me tell you its not worth it. I hurt the most wonderful man in the world in the worst way, destroying his trust, and what we had created together. He amazes me with still having hope for us maybe one day in the future not now not in a month..maybe not even six months but hope is all that is needed.  Ive learned that hope is what moves all of us along.. without it..what is there to look forward to or believe in? Not only did cheating bring upon me the deepest thoughts and feelings of self-loathing, but it left me feeling used, worthless, and disposable. I am writing this so hopefully someone will read this and they will think twice before being rash and impulsive. Do not let someone sweet talk you into something you do not actually want. It may seem good in the moment but the second its over the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, self hate , and many more set in. If I could take it back I would in a second, without one hesitation. Why someone may ask would I be so naive and in lack of a better word ignorant to not consider all I would lose, and all I have worked for, for the past ten months, and to be honest there is no real way for me to make sense of my actions, except for some sort of release. I have felt sadden, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious and many more feelings, that still do not excuse me for what I did, but it partially makes sense. Maybe I saw a glimpse of the old me I have worked so hard to forget and change for the better, and just made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, some just worse than others. I consider this a set back in my journey in my life, but I am not going to let this hold me back from new opportunities, and other adventures and the happiness that I know one day I will eventually feel and have. I have punished myself enough the past week that I do not know I can punish myself anymore. Its a day by day thing, but each day the sun seems to shine just a little bit brighter, and the stars seem to have just a little more glimmer.

I just wanted to write this post to explain to everyone who might not understand why someone may ruin a good thing, and also to praise the man that was my boyfriend. He has still stuck by my side, I'm sure it has not been easy, I am sure I have hurt him much more deeply than he leads on, but he is still there for me as a friend, and if that is all he can be to me right now that is what I will take. I have lost my rights to him, when I broke our trust. I was just lucky enough to have such a stand up gentleman that still cares about me even through all the pain i have caused him. He deserves the world, and nothing better than the absolute best. He is the hardest worker, the kindest man, the best care-taker "father" to his puppy Bentley, and one of the best men out their left in the world. I really truly wish him the absolute best and I hope he finds a girl who will treat him with the utmost respect and not dishonor him in the way I have.

xoxo,

Erin

(The picture in this post is not mine it is found on we heart it.com)

may 1st, Tuesday

So my last post i actually wrote about a week ago during finals week.. and its funny how things turn out.. and how when your going through something you cant imagine what the outcomes could be.. or if you do you think only of negative outcomes. But as it turns out i passed my math final finishing stats... got all B's in all my other courses, and now have begun summer 2012. I have been home now for 4 days, and it does start to feel alot longer.. its funny how your mind can play tricks on you. However today was one of the most special days I have had in a while. I spent it with my boyfriend of 9 months and some odd days, and we did not have any stress, worries, problems, concerns, things we had to do, any plans or time frame, we were free. It was one of the most happy carefree days, I have had in a while. I love him so much, and sometimes i dont show him how much he means to me enough in little ways little kisses, holding hands, and just sitting with him and listening to him not just talking. I have never been much for public display of affection, and even though i am super friendly im not really a touchy feely type of person, but sometimes its nice to show affection in these ways, and today i let go and i did kiss him in public did hold his hand, listened to him and told him how much he means to me. I cannot say where we will be in a year or two or even a few months, I know where I want us to be. However instead of putting pressure on our relationship and worrying about staying together, breaking up, how long we have been together, how long other people have been together, comparing our relationships to others, I just want to live in the present. In the now. NOT the yesterday, or last year, or tomorrow or next year. I just want our relationship to keep growing and moving foward in the carefree, demandless, way it was today. I am making it my goal, to stop comparing to others, and jsut cherrish what we have now, where we are in life right now, and who we are as people right now, together and seperate. When you put demands and expectations on love and how it should be and with who, you lose the beauty and innocence of it. I never want to outgrow the beauty, innocence, and meaning of love. One of my few but favorite quotes from the bible (I am no righteous high mighty church go-er, or even a regular church go-er, but I belive in God, and Jesus Christ, and his words.)
1 Corinthians 13:

"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

For some reason this quote/scripture whatever you want to call it, gives me joy, and fills me with a feeling of wholness. It calms me, and brings upon me relaxation. I think this symbolizes what love is and should remain.

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Anyways I know that seems like a rant, but everyone must remember the feeling of love, and wanting to preserve it, and making it your goal to keep it as real, exciting, new, and free as it was in the begining, when it was only a spark. Other than me just rambling about love, and feelings, it is summer and i will be a junior in college next year.. and man has time flown by.. i feel like just yesterday i was a freshman entering into college and now i am going on my third year! its just crazzy thats all thats too it, no other way to describe it.

Below are the picture of my wonderful day spent with my love, and his (our) 6 month old puppy Bentley. These are my own pictures taken on my nikon D5000, by me and then the ones I am in are from my boyfriend taking them :)

and many more, however some i like to keep for myself, and do not want the few followers I do have left to get bored or annoyed with my pictures and rants

xoxo

Erin

(All of the photos in this post are mine, I have rights to all of them, thank you xoxo)

guess im still southern.. just dont know how big my heart is right now..

Lets make this short. its exam week, and is hell itslike usual, but this end to the semester is even worse than usual. Tomorrow is my math exam which shouldnt make me feel like my life depends on it ... but it does. have you ever tried so hard in something, you can touch it  but know deep down you might never have it ... this is how i feel. im a wreck .. cant sleep. cant eat. cant relax.. i just want it to be done and over with on top of this my one roomate I grew to love like a sister is now moving back to jersey, im gonna miss her like hell even though we had fights and got into arguements over nothing, i still wouldnt have traded having her as a roomate for anything. Its sad ive never lost a friend like as in someone dying, but someone moving away hurts really bad too so i cant even imagine how people deal with their friends and loved ones dying.

Sometimes i get really frustrated because it seems like life lets me move 10 steps foward then bam 4 back.. i know everything happens for a reason but sometimes i wish the reasons would appear earlier than later. I felt like I was in a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, socially, and when one thing gets out of whack it all falls apart.. one of the many things i need to work on.. trying to seperate all of these so when one thing happens it doesnt feel as if the world is turning its back on me.

I know i am blessed, i have a fantastic family, i do have friends, i have amazing parents, and more than i could ask for.. but it always feels like something is still missing.
Sometimes i am happy for weeks months and then one thing changes and i cant be happy.
I would give anything to be happy all the time, be the person everyone wants me to be, be the daughter my parents want, the sister my brother deserves, but sometimes it just gets so tough and i feel as if im a in heavy fog wandering trying to find who i really am.